Fake News 24: Mayor calls for return of the cane

Mayor calls for return of the cane

By Brocklehurst Bugle reporter

The Brocklehurst Mayor has called for the return of the cane in schools. He said he had the support of most of the older folk in the town.

Mayor Deryck Blatterbus was speaking at a fund-raising day at St Splosh’s School on Wednesday.

Mr Blatterbus, who recently defected from the Tories to the New Democrats Party, said: ‘There is far too much misbehaviour and hooliganism among the young. You only have to see their drunken antics at the weekend. Also, everywhere you go there are cyclists on the pavements terrorising the elderly and young mothers with prams.’

He added: ‘It’s about time we imposed discipline in the schools once more. We should bring back the cane. Some will call me old-fashioned but there is no doubt in my mind that a sound six-of-the-best would solve many of today’s troubles. I would start here today if I had my way.

‘Many elderly people have said they support me. I hope the New Democrats put the return of the cane in schools at the top of their next general election manifesto.’

Wayne Garrett, aged 18, a sixth-former at the school who posed for a photograph touching his toes while the Mr Blatterbus ‘caned’ his bottom, said, ‘I think the Mayor has a point. It’s true we are allowed to get away with murder. We can do what we like and there’s nothing the teachers here can do about it.’

Headteacher Mr Anthony Bluster declined to comment.

About his ‘caning’, Wayne said: ‘The Mayor told me it was an authentic school cane. It was very whippy and he swished it through the air and bent it. He told me to touch my toes just like boys had to do back in the day.

‘He laughed when I couldn’t reach that far and said we should bring back compulsory cross-country runs to get us fit.

‘He only tapped my bottom a few times with the cane. I couldn’t feel a thing. It didn’t hurt at all. It was a bit disappointing. I’d have liked to see what it felt like to get a proper six-of-the-best. I’d have shown the mayor that lads today could take a caning as well as anyone’

 

Picture credit: Dave Ells.

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