Victims of crime are to be given the chance to suggest their offender’s punishment under a proposed law – genuine UK news report.
Mr Chesterton of The Avenue, Brocklehurst shares his reactions …
Forget about picking up litter or washing graffiti from walls, I know what I’d like to do to the so-and-so who snatched my phone off me in the High Street today.
I have something that’s been hanging in the closet in my spare bedroom for years. It’s about time it saw the light day again. Who cares if it’s gone out of fashion, isn’t that just the problem. Kids today are allowed to get away with anything. And see where that’s got us, it’s not safe to go out to the shops in broad daylight any more. Not even in small towns like Brocklehurst.
What is it I have? It’s a yard and a bit of whippy rattan cane. There was a time when you saw them everywhere. It’s as thick as a pencil and is a dark yellowy colour. It has notches every few inches along it and best of all a crook handle at on end. Remember them? Every headmaster had one dangling from a hook in his study. Easily at hand and ready to be plucked up and used at a moment’s notice.
“Bend over that chair!” Whack-whack-whack! No nonsense. Those where the days when we had proper discipline. You didn’t see kids mugging innocent, decent folk on the streets back then.
I don’t care if the sod who stole my phone wasn’t a kid. He looked like he might be in his twenties. Who cares? They’re never too old for a thrashing.
I’d gladly take my cane from the closet. Yes, I’d do it myself if the police or the magistrates or whoever are too cowardly. I read on the Internet that in Botswana, which is a country in southern Africa by the way, the courts there still sentence criminals to a caning. Whippings they call them – but they use a whippy cane not an actual whip. Lashings they’re sometimes called. The newspapers report about it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world when a thief or some other petty criminal is convicted, he is maybe given a fine and also be sentenced to a “lashing” – it’s often four strokes “on the bare buttocks”. The newspapers seem to like pointing that out – it’s a caning on the bare buttocks. Apparently, criminals up to the age of 40 can be caned. Men only, it seems. Women don’t get it: so much for sex equality.
So, if it’s good enough for some godforsaken backwater like Botswana it should be good enough for us.
If it was up to me, they’d get a damn sight more than four lashes. Two or three dozen should do the trick. I’d happily have it done in public so everyone can see justice being done. It would deter a few would-be thieves as well. Wouldn’t you think twice before stealing a phone or whatnot if you knew you’d end up trousers and pants down with twenty or thirty welts from the cane throbbing across your bare bottom?
We could do it in the main shopping precinct, there’s plenty of room there. Or perhaps on the bandstand in the municipal gardens. You’d need somewhere to set up a table. You’d have to tie the thief down, nobody’s going to submit themselves to such a flogging (we’re not talking about a traditional headmaster’s six of the best here). I suppose you’d have to get his trousers and underpants down first. Would it be necessary to take them right off or could you leave them bunched up at his ankles? Taking them off might be more humiliating for him. What about stripping him completely naked? It’s unnecessary since it’s only the buttocks that truly need to be bared, but being totally naked would add to the drama of the event and add considerably to the deterrent value.
Then, you would have to force him face down over the table. Of course, it could also be a specially made horse of some description; like they use in Singapore. Whatever, we can sort that kind of detail out later. Tie him by the wrists and ankles so he’s spreadeagled. It might be necessary to tie him around the waist as well to stop excessive wriggling about when the pain mounts to agony and he’s trying his darndest to escape.
Should we gag him as well? Personally, I’d love to hear him scream as each stroke cuts into his stretched buttocks. Let him plead for forgiveness. For mercy. But there’s no chance of that; this is retribution. I want my pound of flesh. It was my phone he snatched. I want it back and I want to see him suffer.
It would probably be best if a strong fit police officer or prison warden or some such laid on the caning. He would need to be trained in inflicting the maximum amount of pain from the situation. He’d need to know how to swing the cane and where exactly on the fleshy backside to land it. An expert would be able to get it to hit the same spot over and over again. Think of the agony the thief would feel. Imagine the blood.
A bit of me would like to do the caning myself. That would make it personal justice. The crime was committed against me and I am getting my revenge. Of course, being an older man and no expert in delivering such canings the thief might get off more lightly. I know, perhaps there’s a compromise to be made; the first couple of dozen are landed by the officer and I get to give him the final twelve. That could be the best of both worlds. Yes, the more I think of it the more I like it.
It would be good if the local television was there so it was shown on the evening news. Another deterrent. No doubt people who haven’t had their phones stolen would video it and put it on social media.
The thrashing would be over in a couple of minutes but I’m quite happy to leave the thief wailing and sobbing, still tied down, for maybe half an hour (possibly more) so people can have a close look and maybe people who have been victims of crime and nobody’s been caught can spank this thief with their hand or something. I know it’s not the same as seeing your own thief punished but it might be some sort of comfort for them.
So, my cane is upstairs and ready for use. Alas, it’ll probably stay there. It’s all very well the politicians saying we victims can have a say in the punishment of criminals, but the police have got to catch them first and I’m not holding my breath that I’ll ever see my phone again.
Picture credit: Kernled
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